Horror Movie Reviews
I love horror movies -- decent horror movies, that is. Yes, decent horror movies do exist -- I swear. No, really....
Here's a list of horror movies I've had the pleasure or displeasure of seeing - all accompanied by a mini review and star rating.
NB: This page is work in progress.
Children Of The Corn 666: Isaac's Revenge - About as laughable as its title. It was fucking dismal, shitastic to the extreme. If you think every sequel to the original sucks, then get this—666 is the sixth in the series. It initially had potential, but after half an hours worth of viewing elapsed the film quickly began to fall apart. As you may have guessed, Isaac returned, and he was still a jerk with a whiny voice. This time around however his character—for some reason—lost his original evil, dark veneer. Isaac became nothing but a bumbling idiot who was so easily pwned by the guy at the end. Yes, The Guy—I can’t even remember his name. Sigh.
**
Mortuary - A family move to a small town in California to open up a mortuary, as the mother is a mortician. The house is old and decrepit, complete with a sewerage pileup for a front yard and a graveyard out the back. I only saw this movie a few weeks ago, but I honestly can't even review it due to mind blanks. This obviously means it was just your average, run of the mill horror flick. All I can remember is what I've told you above, and the fact that zombies are involved. Trivia: Dan Byrd who plays the kid in The Hills Have Eyes was also in this movie.
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Ripper - A serial killer preys upon college students, killing them off one by one in the style of London’s famous Jack the Ripper. I can almost see you all rolling your eyes—and rightfully so if you are—Ripper was simply another routine and mediocre stalk ‘n slash film, chock full of college jerkoffs bragging about their knowledge concerning Jack the Ripper’s modus operandi—yet when they’re faced with an actual killer they panic and make the same mistakes victims usually make in no-brainer horror films. Eg—the whole “hellooo? is anybawdii theeee-eerrre?” getup in the token empty stone walled warehouse or whatever…fjkghfjdk…..
***
The Boogeyman - A C-grade 'scary movie' wrapped in the typical 'scary movie' veneer of spooky images, dark atmospheres and appropriate senses of doom and dread. A man is haunted by memories of the Boogeyman who killed his father many years earlier. Man learns he must take down said Boogeyman. Man succeeds in taking down said Boogeyman, and movie ends. What's in between is some seriously lame ass, steaming horse crap. Some may be drawn to this movie simply by the title; or maybe it's the 'assuring' statement on the front of the case, written by some newspaper or other, reading "The scariest movie...ever!" This bold assertion couldn't be further from the truth, because serious to God this movie sucks donkey balls. Filmed in New Zealand, it should therefore go without saying that it contains a host of mediocre New Zealand actors with their lame ass attempts at American accents. Poor acting skills from all involved bar Barry Watson. Sloppily written, with the plot becoming thinner and thinner as the movie progresses. Pretty much nothing happens at all throughout the entire fucking thing and then before you know it the movie has ended. Never veering from its path of crappiness, its ending is of course extremely rushed. If anything, The Boogeyman serves as a psychological thriller with its main themes being childhood trauma and measures taken to overcome it. Is this 'the scariest movie ever', deserving of its placement in the horror section? Absolutely not.
*
The Hills Have Eyes (Unrated edition) - This is a remake of the 1970's classic by horror genre maestro Wes Craven. If you're looking for full-on violence, merciless slaughter and pure, unadulterated scenes filled with blood and gore then I'd definitely recommend this movie to you. It's about a family who are tricked into taking a non-existant shortcut in the New Mexico desert, and are consequently set upon by a group of bloodthirsty mutants (survivors of nuclear bomb testing.) Slick and intense, this is by far one of the best horror movies I've seen in my entire life. A more than worthy asset to its genre.
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